1. We wear hot uniforms. So hot that we melt in the summer.
2. We pick you up. Like every good date, we meet you at your house and carry your bags. And then pick you up and carry you to the ambulance.
3. We sweep you off your feet. Granted you’re not looking particularly stable at the moment, so perhaps it’s for the best. Get on the stretcher!
4. We get into bed with you. Those bed to stretcher transfers can be tough if your bed is ridiculously wide. So yes, I may put a knee on your bed.
5. We cut your clothes off. It’s winter, you’re injured, and there are 5 layers between me and your bleeding injury. Out come the trauma sheers. I don;t care how much you like this $20 jacket, it’s coming off!
6. We see you naked. Even when we don’t want to.
7. We use our hands. For CPR, rapid assessment, splinting, you name it. We’re gentle, fast, and effective! For a demonstration, watch Super Sexy CPR! Just a day in my life.
8. We tie you up. The more you struggle, the tighter the slip knot gets. I don’t take well to being slapped, punched, spit on, or threatened.
10. We rush to your side. Lights blazing and sirens wailing, we’ll move heaven and earth to find you.
11. We expose ourselves. To all of your airborne pathogens. Thank God for BSI (body substance isolation, i.e. gloves, masks).
12. We would never break your heart. We want to get it working again!
13. We take your breath away. So calm down, breathe slowly, and I’ll turn off the siren, if it scares you.
14. We get hot for you. Because you live on the 8th floor, your elevator is broken, and the caller only said “patient in distress” so I have to carry 2 bags, an AED, an oxygen tank, a stairchair, and a suction unit up the stairs.
15. We’ll hold your hair while you’re sick. Now what did you learn about mixing Vitamin Water, Red Bull, and vodka? Not fun the second time, is it?
16. We’re not afraid of danger. A rollover MVC? Haz Mat? Bomb Squad? Fire standby? Sweet!
17. We care about your feelings. How does your chest feel? How does your breathing feel? How does your stomach feel? Can you feel your fingers and toes?
18. We’ve mastered the sexy sleep-tousled look. Wh-wha-was that our unit dispatch just called? What IS our unit number? I’ve been going for 36 hours straight.
19. We can make your heart skip a beat… with our AED.
20. We go all night long. Because stupidity and heart attacks never rest.